So, um...I'm stressed. Like, really stressed. Notice I haven't posted in a few days? I don't always handle my stress and anxiety well. I'm able to keep my cool so people don't know how incredible stressed out I am, but that can really explode in my face. I was feeling great about my classroom and the start of the school year, until Thursday. Thursday I woke up, went to my Journeys training (which sufficiently stressed me out even more), then came home and cried. I had every intention of heading into my classroom to get more stuff done. After all, I still had A TON of stuff to do! Like, an ungodly amount. But instead, I came home, sat on my living room floor and cried. Then, after a good 15 minute sob-fest, I got up, ate my feelings, and watched TV. It was a mental-health day...but a'int no body got time for that!!!
Instead of doing what adults do, and handle it, I completely crumbled under pressure. This made me sob even more. Then I thought about how I had no help with getting my classroom together, unlike years past where I've been working with a team of 3 people. Then I thought about how much I missed my team. This made me sob more. Then I thought about how I knew what my role was at my old school, I knew the expectations, I had my classroom system down. Then I thought about how this is a whole new ballpark; a new school, a new district, a new principal, new expectations, new academics, new students, and no team. This made me sob even more. Then I thought about how much time and energy I have spent doing things for the school year, like making assessments, organizing my curricula (that I don't know how to use), posting a ton of my routines and decor (but somehow I'm still not finished), and organizing that stupid classroom library (5 days later and I still haven't finished). Then I thought about how all this time I've been spending (which is literally from when I wake up til I go to bed) is draining, and how it is really affecting my marriage. This made me sob more. Then I thought about how I don't have an answer for my husband when he asks when he can have his wife back, and if this is going to last the entire school year. Then I sob more. At this point I'm in a puddle of my own tears falling deeper into my self-pity abyss.
Let me say that I know that things will be okay. I know that the school year will start, regardless if I feel ready, and we all will survive. I know that not having my birthday board up until the 3rd day of school will not taint my blossoming relationship with my emotionally fragile kiddos, and being stressed out the first weeks of school is normal. I get this. It doesn't make me feel better. And the issue with my husband...I can't shake the feeling that this anxious, over-planning, over-analyzing version of me is not temporary. This might be me. I've never been just a teacher. I've always been a teacher, plus a student. Now that I've finished grad school and am done with tests (for the time being), this is my identity. I'm used to scurrying off to my office at the end of the day to prepare my lessons and finish school work. This was the norm in my household. And though my soon-to-be husband would grumble, and ask when he can have his girlfriend back, I would always tell him, "This is temporary. Once I get my Master's, it will be one less thing on my plate. The time I would have spent doing grad work, will now be time I can be with you!" Now I'm wondering if that is true...
I keep telling him that, again, this is temporary. "It's the beginning of the school year! All teachers are doing this! Once the school year gets started, I won't be so busy." Again, I'm wondering if this is true...
After spending all day at school on Friday, I left thinking well, at least I have until Wednesday to get everything done. Except that I don't. I can do things at home, like plan for the first week, and organizing my assessments. But who's going to finish that stupid library? Who is going to organize all the classroom centers? Who's going to put up the bulletin boards? Who is going to organize the students' materials for the first day? Not me because I can't get into the building until Tuesday. I should have thought that one through...
So while I stifle back tears, I am going to continue planning for my first week, and writing my to do list for Tuesday. Which of course won't be able to be tackled until after our staff meeting...which will last until 1pm...which I really have time for.
In the spirit of my anxiety, I will not be posting my bonus presentation until next week. I sincerely apologize - just too much stuff going on! Hopefully by next Sunday it will be posted :-/
Oh, and with all my time running around like a maniac, I totally forgot about my little giveaway! Sorry! Here's the winner!!
a Rafflecopter giveaway
Congrats! I will be email you shortly so you can choose what you want from my store :)
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License